Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
some Old Testament wisdom
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076