Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
oh shit
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family