Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”