Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Bringing back this classic

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.