Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud