Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

brian had himself a morning…

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.