Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them