Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Wolves should really raise more people.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.