Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
no!! no!!!!!!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
