Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

it was a valiant fight

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Does beer think about me too?

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..