Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.