Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru
I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.