‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?