@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

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@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru

@drinksmcgee

I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.

@mejustbeth

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@gilineezy

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

@IamJackBoot

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

@GensPlace

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.