Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.