Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
hear me out : pockets for your socks
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes