Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.