Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I went from rags to one rag.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”