Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The Birdles
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.