Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.