Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
