Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Stop sending me this shit.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
O Wise One….
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall