Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?