Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.