Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”