Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

im gay on my mothers side

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?