Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
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the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.