Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal