Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
You Might Also Like
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Single and childfree like Jesus
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh