Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.