Hello, my name is Pierre.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽