Hello, my name is Pierre.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I think about this a lot
when she block me on everything
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing