Hello, my name is Pierre.
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.