Hello, my name is Pierre.
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trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Happy birthday to all the women
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Harsh but fair
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?