“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.