“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[montage of me giving-up]
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*