“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
You Might Also Like
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Rambo Rambow
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I think I’ll stand
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”