Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Mummies are just super modest zombies

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.