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It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
The Backseat Boys
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Best mom ever 😂
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot