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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh