Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?