Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

first you must answer his riddles

The old gods are rising again.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.