Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*