Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Art by Pastelkatto

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC