Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”