@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@JermHimselfish

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.