Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’m listening
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.