@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

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@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

@sickipediabot

So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

@GrantTanaka

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.