Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.