Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I have no passwords left in me

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

X-tra spooky blend

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

me irl

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.