Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!