Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
bias laundering edition
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’