– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
He’s cranky this morning
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!