HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
make up your mind
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.