Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.