HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”