Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.