Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You Might Also Like
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am having an out of money experience.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…