“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A choir of Spring onions
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
😂🍻
incredible book dedication
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.