“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains