“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.