Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Well, this explains it:

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.