Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*