Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda