Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.