Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.