They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
handsome & gretel
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?