Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.

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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.


*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.


I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting


Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator


ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.


Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.


And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.


I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.