@DryDickRando

Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.

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@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

@HomeWithPeanut

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

@heyitsJudeD

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@Chepkut_William

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

@tchrquotes

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

@FattMernandez

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.