I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You Might Also Like
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A wise man once said nothing.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
They got a point!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.