Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Baller is short for ballerina
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
