Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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Anyone want a chair?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.