“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.